There’s really no hiding the belly now. That’s a good development.

Melka’s done with work (she got a note saying 10 weeks before the due date was her last day) and that’s taken the stress off the workplace hiding. I have no idea how many of our colleagues knew – I know of four for sure. And only one of those figured it out on her own. Thankfully, the others who might know have kept their mouths shut.

I told my parents a little bit ago. It went well. They’re far away, and for very complicated, but reasonable, reasons, we didn’t tell them. It went well, my dad said he was expecting us to get off a plane with a two year old some day. He said melka is a very brave woman. That was nice to hear, someone acknowledging how hard this is. My mom was very happy I told her. My sister, well, that was more tough. It somehow ended with me apologizing for upsetting her… I can’t remember how, but it pisses me off now.

The thing that’s hardest about being so far away and having family know is that now I have another three people to take care of. They want updates, they worry, they want to know things are okay. And while I can look at melka and ask if she’s feeling any kicking, they can’t. So I have to take care of their worry, and mine.

But it helps a little to have the secret let out – if only just a little.

For anyone that has gone through this loss, and this process of doing it again… how? How do you not become insanely jealous of your time, your feelings, your future, your child – the living and the dead? I worry that both of us – maybe in different ways – have become more open to strangers than our own families. That feels like a bad thing. I imagine having a living child and not wanting anyone to look at her/him. I wonder if it is just this particularly stressful time (understatement). Or is this how things will be? Does this anxiety about sharing change?

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